Some phrases from Latin for all Occasions, by Henry Beard.

Excuses

- My dog ate it.
Canis meus id comedit.
- I did call. Maybe your answering machine is broken.
Sane ego te vocavi. Forsitan capedictum tuum desit.
- Baby, Sweetheart, would I lie to you?
Amicule, deliciae, num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
- The check is in the mail.
Perscriptio in manibus tabellariorum est.
- I was kidnapped by aliens. What year is it?
Hostes alienigeni me abduxerunt. Qui annus est?

Insults

- I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
- In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags.
Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.
- If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.
Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
- I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

Things to Say to a Teenager

- Really Rad, dude!
Radicitus, comes!
- What's happening?
Quid fit?

Latin as a Computer Language

- Why won't you print out?
Cur ullum imprimere non vis?
- Don't you dare erase my hard disk!
Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!
- I did not commit a fatal error!
Non erravi perniciose!
- Garbage in, garbage out.
Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum.

Bumper Stickers

- I brake for animals
Frena pro feris teneo
- Save the whales
Balaenae nobis conservandae sunt
- Honk if you speak Latin
Sona si latine loqueris
- When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults
Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscripti catapultas habebunt
- If you can read this bumper sticker, you are both very well educated and much too close
Si hoc adfixum in obice legere potes, et liberaliter educatus et nimis propinquus ades

Sounding Smart in Latin

- Listen, would you repeat everything you just told me, only this time say it in English?
Heus, modo itera omnia quae mihi nunc nuper narravisti, sed nunc Anglice?
- Oh! Was I speaking Latin again?
Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar?
- Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.
Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.
- Sure, I speak a little Latin.
Sane, paululum linguae Latinae dico.
- I picked it up here and there. Really, Latin isn't all that hard.
Id legi modo hic modo illic. Vero, Latine loqui non est difficilissimum.
- It looks like a tricky language, but you'll get the hang of it pretty quickly.
Lingua speciem involutam praebet, sed sat cito eam comprehendes.
- And remember, there aren't any Romans around to correct your pronunciation.
Atque memento, nulli adsunt Romanorum qui locutionem tuam corrigant.

(At a poetry reading)
- It doesn't rhyme.
Nullo metro compositum est.
- I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.
Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.

Summertime

- It's not the heat, it's the humidity.
Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
- The designated hitter rule has got to go.
Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.

(At a barbeque)
- Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?
animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
- I am not lost.
Neutiquam erro.
- Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?
Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?

Pithy Latin Expressions

- By that very fact
Ipso facto
- No way
Nullo modo
- Read my lips.
Labra lege.
- A done deal
Pactum factum
- Fat chance
Fors fortis
- Accidentally on purpose
Casu consulto
- In a world of hurt
Totus anctus
- Hopefully
Utinam

Signs of the times

- BEWARE OF DOG
CAVE CANEM
- DO NOT DISTURB
NOLI PERTURBARE
- KEEP OUT
NOLI INTRARE
- THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING
TIBI GRATIAS AGIMUS QUOD NIHIL FUMAS

Things you may say a lot

- There goes by bleeper!
Tintinnuntius meus sonat!
- Here today, gone tomorrow.
Hodie adsit, cras absit.
- Seen one, seem them all.
Uno viso, omnia visa sunt.
- What goes around, comes around.
Id quot circumiret, circumveniat.
- God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!
Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
- I've got to see a man about a dog.
Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.

The Seven Dwarfs

- Fatuus
Dopey
- Medicullus
Doc
- Severus
Grumpy
- Beatus
Happy
- Somniculosus
Sleepy
- Verecundus
Bashful
- Sternuens
Sneezy

Handy catch phrases

- Have a nice day.
Die dulci fruimini.
- No way.
Nullo modo.
- Read my lips
Labra lege
- Accidentally on purpose.
Casu consulto.
- Just do it
Modo fac
- Bah! Humbug!
Phy! Fabulae!
- If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.
- Read 'em and weep.
Lege atque lacrima.
- I have nothing to declare.
Nihil declaro.
- It was that way when I got here.
Ita erat quando hic adveni.

Medical conditions

- Impedimentum Memoriae
A mental block that makes it hard to remember names.
- Inopia Celeritatis
A mild dyslexia that makes it impossible to arrive on time.
- Morbus Irrigationis
A rare disease aggravated by watering friends' plants.

A few more essential phrases

- Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert.
- May barbarians invade your personal space!
Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
- May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!
Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
- Don't let the bastards wear you down.
Noli nothis permittere te terere.
- Go ahead. Make my day.
Age. Fac ut gaudeam.
- How much wood would a woodchuck chuck is a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
- Beam me up, Scotty!
Me transmitte sursum, Caledoni!
- Who was that masked man?
Quis fuit ille personatus?
- Now this isn't carved in stone
Nunc hoc in marmore non est incisum
- Shark! Shark!
Pistrix! Pistrix!

Assorted phrases

- Your fly is open.
Braccae tuae aperiuntur.
- Why didn't you go when you had the chance?
Cur non isti mictum ex occasione?
- God! Look at the time! My wife will kill me!
Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea necabit!
- Watch where you're going, you jerk!
Observa quo vadis, cinaede!
- The designated hitter rule has got to go.
Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
- Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.
Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
- Darn! There goes my beeper!
"Heu! Tintinnuntius meus sonat.!"
- I think that Elvis is still alive.
Credo Elvem ipsum etian vivere.
- If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.
- You know, the Romans invented the art of love.
Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
- Your place or mine?
Apudne te vel me?
- I'll have a pizza with everything on it.
Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum cum omnibus in eo.
- I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
- How do you get your hair to do that?
Quomodo cogis comas tuas sic videri?
- Bad kitty! Why don't you use the cat box? I put new litter in it.
Feles mala! Cur cista non uteris? Stramentum novum in ea posui.

BALD-FACED LIES ARE LESS BALD-FACED IN LATIN

- The check is in the mail.
Perscriptio in manibus tabellariorum est.
- I have nothing to declare.
Nihil declaro.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Nescio quid dicas.
- It was that way when I got here.
Ita erat quando hic adveni.
- There's no one here by that name.
Nemo hic adest illius nominis.
- Don't call me, I'll call you.
Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.

FLATTERY SOUNDS MORE SINCERE IN LATIN

- Have you lost weight?
Nonne macescis?
- You haven't aged a bit!
Minime senuisti!
- It looks great on you!
Id tibi praebet speciem lepidissimam!
- A wig? I never would have guessed!
Capillamentum? Haudquaquam conieci esse!

INTIMATE SUBJECTS ARE EASIER TO BROACH IN LATIN

- Your fly is open.
Braccae tuae aperiuntur.
- Your slip is showing.
Subucula tua apparet.
- You have a big piece of spinach on your front teeth.
In dentibus anticis frustum magnum spiniciae habes.
- You've been misusing the subjunctive.
Abutebaris modo subjunctivo.

SELF-ASSERTIVENESS IS SIMPLER IN LATIN

- Hey, we're all in line here!
Heus, hic nos omnes in agmine sunt!
- No cutting in!
Noli inferre se in agmen!
- No, excuse me, I believe I'm next.
Non, mihi ignosce, credo me insequentem esse.
- You're from New York, aren't you?
Nonne de Novo Eboraco venis?

LATIN BUMPER STICKERS FOR YOUR CHARIOT

- I BRAKE FOR animalS
FRENA PRO FERIS TENEO
- SAVE THE WHALES
BALAENAE NOBIS CONSERVANDAE SUNT
- HONK IF YOU SPEAK LATIN
SONA SI LATINE LOQUERIS
- WHEN CATAPULTS ARE OUTLAWED, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE CATAPULTS
CUM CATAPULTAE PROSCRIPTAE ERUNT TUM SOLI PROSCRIPTI CATAPULTAS HABEBUNT
- IF YOU CAN READ THIS BUMPER STICKER, YOU ARE BOTH VERY WELL EDUCATED AND MUCH TOO CLOSE
SIC HOC ADFIXUM IN OBICE LEGERE POTES, ET LIBERALITER EDUCATUS ET NIMIS PROPINQUUS ADES

VANITAS PLATES

- SPEED DEMON
INCITATUS
- CRUISING
VAGANS
- BEACH BUM
LITORALIS
- MUSTANG
MANNUS
- JALOPY
FRACTUM
- SNAZZY
NITIDUS
- BEAR
URSUS
- TURBO
TURBO

CARTOONS ARE, WELL, CARTOONIER IN LATIN

- What's up, Doc?
Quid agis, Medice?
- I'll get you, you wascally wabbit!
Te capiam, cunicule sceleste!
- I tought I taw a puddy tat!
Credidi me felem vidisse!
- Thuffering Thuccotash!
Farrago fatigans!
- Beep-beep!
Cornu sono!
- Ah-bee, ah-bee, ah-bee, that's all, folks!
Abeo, abeo, abeo, actum est, comites!

THE GOLDEN AGE OF TV WOULD HAVE BEEN EVEN MORE GOLDEN IN LATIN

- Just the facts, ma'am.
Dic mihi solum facta, domina.
- Sorry about that, chief.
Illius me paenitet, dux.
- You bet your bippy!
Tuis pugis pignore!
- The devil made me do it!
Diabolus fecit, ut id facerem!
- Kiss my grits!
Osculare pultem meam!
- Beam me up, Scotty!
Me transmitte sursum, Caledoni!
- If you fail, the secretary will disavow all knowledge of your activities.
Si fallatis officium, quaestor infitias eat se quicquam scire de factis vestris.

TIMELESS LINES FROM THE MOVIES

- Make my day.
Fac ut gaudeam.
- Round up the usual suspects.
Conlige suspectos semper habitos.
- You know, Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
Certe, Toto, sentio nos in Kansate non iam adesse.
- Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert.

ALL MUSIC IS CLASSICAL MUSIC IN LATIN

- My favorite group is
Caterva carissima mea est

The Beatles The Temptations
- Cimictus
- Inlecebrae
The Rolling Stones The Who
- Lapides Provolventes
- Ille Quis
The Grateful Dead The Monkees
- Mortui Grati
- Simitatores
The Beach Boys Country Joe and the Fish
- Pueri Litoris
- Iosephus Agrestis Piscesque
ALL TV IS EDUCATIONAL TV IN LATIN

- My favorite show is
Spectaculum carissimum est
Gilligan's Island Jeopardy
- Insula Gilliganis
- Periculum
Hollywood Squares Wheel of Fortune
- Quadrata Iliceti
- Rota Fortunae
The Love Boat Diff'rent Strokes
- Navis Amoris
- Ictus Diff'rentes
Leave It to Beaver Happy Days
- Id Castori Concedite
- Dies Felices
Mission: Impossible The Young and the Restless
- Opus: Quod Fieri Non Potest
- Iuvenes Inquietesque
Hawaii Five-O Divorce Court
- Hawaii Quinque-Nil
- Curia Divortiorum
The Gong Show The Flintstones
- Spectaculum Tintinnabuli
- Illi Silices
The Price Is Right The Twilight Zone
- Pretium Iustum Est
- Zona Crepusculi

---

"But then the Roman Empire fell - like this: "Ooh shit!" And we went into what historians call the 'Stupid Fucker Period'. Where everyone was, "Aah, I dunno! Is that a Roman Road? Can we eat it?" And then we had the Dark Ages where..."I can't even see! Who are you?"
-Eddie Izzard.